Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone