Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Monday
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
No regrets in 2018
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.