Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life