Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.