*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
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baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
wait.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away