“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ready to be harvested
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine