horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.