HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools