Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
fair
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.