[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Camping tip: No.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
bias laundering edition
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
This has made my week.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably