[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.