{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.