I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
A huge thanks to the person that did this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That