[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
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“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans