[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
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My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.