[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
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Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
estão todos miauvindo?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.