[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.