HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.