Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.