[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
🐕🍷
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*