Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.