Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
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“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
✌️
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*