Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*