Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
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FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.