Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
You Might Also Like
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Beware…..
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.