“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”