“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
incredible book dedication
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time