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Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera