HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I want this so bad
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.