Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I am having an out of money experience.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*