When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.