Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again