@Laser_Cat: Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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@lemonmartinis: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
@Fred_Delicious: When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi... [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]