Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Still my favourite meme.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
🤣😈🤣
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.