@Laser_Cat: Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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@bzamayo: Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
@TheCatWhisprer: [fancy restaurant] HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed ME: this is my service chalupa
@LMHPhotog: Ancient Man: Out of water. Let's walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent. Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I'll just die in my kitchen.
@WilliamRodgers: Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...