So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.