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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
it must be school picture day
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.