HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Kids, do not try this at home!
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.