HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect