It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.