Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.