I only say stupid things when I talk.
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”