[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
wait.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.