Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes