nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Lol.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us