My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Breaking news:
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.