@mattgallo123: House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don't.
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@toastymoe: Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
@KeetPotato: wife: "what on earth are you doing?" me: "making a penguin" wife: "that's a pigeon" me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"
@pleatedjeans: Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
@briangaar: Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.