@mattgallo123: House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don't.
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@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
@CornOnTheGoblin: The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down...and that's when things got interesting.
@StellaRtwot: Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?