LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“you recording!?”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Finished stitching this today 😇
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe