@mattgallo123: House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don't.
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@DeadLioness: What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
@iwearpajamas: My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God.
@NintenDom: I just got off the phone with God. He's pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn't even know he exists.
@KKAlThani: Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.