[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.