[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch