House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game