House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.