House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
You Might Also Like
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I know
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”