Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
and now we wait
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed