Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
They also CAN sing✌️
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Mhm.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.