@karlkovacs: How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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@OutOfLeftField_: Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days? Me: I think that's a myth. Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.
@CockSnake: Girlfriend: "I'm pregnant" Me: "Really? Thats great." GF: "April Fo--" *I'm already on a plane to a non extradition country*
@Donnie_Fairburn: [bursts into garage] "why is your car still on? you've been in here for 3 days" i'm trying to kill myself "but you drive an electric car"
@desijourno: When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.