How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
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Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.